


Use our eyes, throw our hands overboard

by lesfemmesdangereuses



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Biphobia, Internalised Homophobia, Jack sugden's Terrible Parenting TM, M/M, References to past child sexual abuse, This turned into mainly an Analysis of Robert's issues with his dad tbqh, and quite a few random plot device OCs, mentions of Rebecca baby and infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 09:38:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11310687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesfemmesdangereuses/pseuds/lesfemmesdangereuses
Summary: It was a Saturday night, Liv on baby duty and Aaron and Robert were going to a house party.(In which Robert and Aaron go and hang out with Aaron's friends, get drunk, talk about ~feelings~, and Robert is more than a little bit not okay with the fact that Aaron may have fucked every man in the room.)





	Use our eyes, throw our hands overboard

It was a Saturday night, Liv on baby duty and Aaron and Robert were going to a house party.

“Y’know mate, I know you’re like from the 80s an’ all, but it’s not a house party when half the people there have kids an’ like. Mortgages,” Aaron said, hands on the steering wheel as they drove their way into Manchester. “And it’s a flat, not a house.”

“Oi, fuck off,” Robert said in response, trying not to laugh. Not to let Aaron win. “And if it’s anything like the party in Leeds you dragged me to, I think I’m pretty correct in my categorisation, thanks. No beer on my jumper this time, or I swear to god, Aaron, we’re going- how do you know these people anyway?”

“See, that’s your big issue, you, you only see this things as negatives, and not the universe taking pity on you and trying to make you finally get rid of that hideous thing,” Aaron said shrugging. “Next exit, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Robert said, looking at his phone’s map, choosing to ignore Aaron’s frankly slanderous comment. “You know, if we got-”

“Don’t say ‘if we got sat nav,’ Robert, it’s not happenin’ in my car.”

“My car,” Robert corrected.

“See, that’s the thing, I remember someone pulling out all this joint bank account shite and car payments and said oh, what was it?” Aaron looked from the road to Robert for a second, with a smirk. “‘What’s mine is yours.’”

“Shut up,” Robert said rolling his eyes, trying not to laugh. Aaron making him laugh while being a prat was definitely one of the worst things about him, hands down. “You didn’t answer my question, don’t think I didn’t notice.”

Aaron stayed silent for a moment. “Met him in a bar, ages back,” he finally said. “And. Ya know.”

Robert felt a sense of crushing horror. “Are you joking me.”

“It’s not-”

“You were just gonna let me walk in blind to a party with your ex?” It wasn’t completely fair, and there were a million things Aaron could throw in his face, but they were doing the whole ‘communication and letting each other feel their feelings’ shit that Robert had paid good money for counselling fees to let them get to, and well, here they were.

“I figured if I told ya- you’d want nothing to do with it, and he’s a good mate,” Aaron finally said. “It was a one off, but we stayed friends. And I- stayed with ‘im and his boyfriend after some stuff started kickin’ off here. He was in Ireland then,” he looked at Robert hoping he wouldn’t need to elaborate. Robert was never more grateful than ever for their weird, soul-mate esque bond, as it instantly clicked- Gordon. Gordon’s trial. Aaron going away because he needed to feel safe. Robert, walking into the back room of the pub and seeing his stuff gone, feeling his entire world tilt off its axis, the deep and incredible relief he felt when Chas said he’d gone somewhere safe.

“I owe him a pint then,” Robert said after a beat, and put his hand on Aaron’s thigh. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right,” Aaron said, keen to get off the subject. “An’ hey, I think it’s just a way for you to see that some people can stay friends with their exes,” he said lightly, fixing Robert with a teasing smile.

“Right, well, that’s you felt up all done,” Robert said, removing his hand. “And I can stay friends with my exes! I work with Nicola, for god’s sake.”

“Oh, your best mate now is she? Definitely not the person you’ve been bad mouthing all week.”

“She wants to-” Robert nearly shuddered, “do a date night. Me and you and Jimmy and her,” and before Aaron could give that the attention it was absolutely due, said, “This is it,” nodding to the upcoming exit. Aaron finally focused his attention onto the road, driving them the 5 or so minutes off the exit until they found themselves at the parking garage. Robert started to feel his nerves settle in, not used to going to a party and not knowing anyone. Well, not used to going to a party and not feeling the need to put on a facade, trying to sell something to someone, trying to fake it to get a deal done. Trying his best to be Jack Sugden’s son. Robert didn’t really know what to make of himself when he wasn’t trying to be Jack Sugden’s son, in a room full of people to whom the name Jack Sugden wouldn’t mean anything.

They began walking down from the parking garage to the street where the flat was, and Aaron noticed Robert’s silence. “Hey,” he said, stopping him from crossing the street.

“It’s green,” Robert said gesturing to the lit up walking sign across from them.

“We don’t have to go,” Aaron said. “I know it’s gonna be a bit-” he looked for the right words, “weird for you, and it’s gonna be mostly gay people, and I should’ve-” he looked down to his hands. “I’m sorry, is all. I should’ve told ya.”

“It’s okay,” Robert said, forcing a smile. “I want to do this it’s just-” he squeezed Aaron’s hand. “It’s new.”

“You need to leave at any point-”

“I know,” Robert said, giving him a smile. “It’s okay.”

–

“Ben- Robert, Robert, Ben,” Aaron said, pointing between the two. Robert held out a hand, trying to quell the urge to hate this man, the way he always intrinsically hated everyone who had touched Aaron. He felt a new sense of shame in how he’d treated Aaron’s jealousy, in the past because this- seeing the man’s easy smile towards Aaron, wondering if he was looking Aaron up and down or if he was imagining it- was hell.

But they were both changing, and he was secure in his trust in Aaron, in Aaron’s trust in him. So he let the panic fade, and held out his hand. He still didn’t like that the guy was handsome, mind.

“I cannot believe I’m finally meeting the man who tamed Aaron Dingle,” Ben said, looking at Robert. “I have heard a lot about you. We both have, where is-” he turned over his shoulder, “Shkar, get over here, you’ve got to see this,” and the man- boyfriend- came over, kissing Ben’s cheek (and Robert tried to fight the twinge in his stomach he felt on seeing that, still fighting the part of him saying it was okay if it was him but not for anyone else, because he couldn’t help it, because who could help it when Aaron Dingle is involved) before enveloping Aaron in a big hug.

“God, Aaron, mate, it’s so good to see you,” Shkar said with a level of emotional sincerity that Robert couldn’t stop the smile from spreading over his face. “And this must be Robert Sugden,” he held out his hand, Robert taking it. “Heard loads about you.”

“Have you?” Robert said, looking to Aaron with a smile.

“And we only hold it slightly against you for getting married and hm, not inviting us,” Ben added.

“Yeah, well, it’s not my fault youse fucked off to Italy for 2 years, plus it wasn’t like I even knew it was happening,” he said. “This one an’ his surprises, you’ve got no idea.”

“That sounds like a story,” a woman appeared from behind Ben, and Robert finally took notice that there were many other people in the flat, milling about and sipping wine. “Natasha,” she said by way of introduction, smiling at Aaron and giving him a pat on the arm. “C’mon, let’s get you a drink,” and she winked at Aaron and led Robert by the arm.

–

They ended up in a group of 9, all in various places sprawled out on the frankly massive living room floor, Ben keying up his iphone to the speakers and putting on some pre-made spotify playlist. Robert was two glasses in, and so he only felt slightly uncomfortable at the fact that of the 9, there were only two people who were straight. It was such a jarring change from Robert’s entire social experience up until this point that he felt himself drinking quicker, hoping to loosen up a bit to avoid saying something he didn’t mean, or to avoid hearing something he didn’t want to hear.

“So, how’d you two meet, then?” Allie, Natasha’s girlfriend, asked. Aaron gave Robert a ‘how do you want to play this’ look, and Robert knew he was the one who was going to answer.

“I came back to Emmerdale with my fiancee and her family in 2014,” Robert finally said. “And I hired Aaron to break into our house so I could play the hero and earn her father’s respect.”

Silence came over the room, everyone seemingly trying to figure out if it was a joke, until Ben began laughing, and soon everyone did, amidst talking at once-

“Oh man, of course.”

“You what?”

“Fiancee?”

“Damn, Aaron-”

“To break into your home?”

“Alright, alright everyone, I’m sure there is a reasonable explanation for this,” Shkar said, looking at Aaron. “I mean, we all know our dear friend Aaron would never be apart of a dodgy scheme-”

“Oi!” Aaron said, flicking some of Robert’s wine at him. “I didn’t do it because of that, I may have- helped steal his car.” He slung an arm around Robert’s shoulder. “You fuckin idiot, tellin the gobbiest lot about this,” and Robert relaxed into his shoulder, feeling the wine, and turning his head to look at Aaron, to make sure that he wasn’t actually angry. The fondness that met him was response enough, and Robert wanted to kiss him.

Before he could do, though, someone whose name Robert hadn’t managed to catch spoke up, “Hang on, so you were engaged- did you call it off?”

“I uh-” Robert stumbled, feeling a bit of shame. “I got married, in the end. To her.”

The man who had spoken raised his eyebrows, then blew out a low whistle. “Damn. Didn’t realise you were gay then, eh?” And there it was.

“He’s bi,” Aaron jumped in immediately, the way that Robert still wasn’t accustomed to, Aaron finally being good about it. “Neil, I know you’re straight an’ all, but d’ya need to be so obvious about it?” Neil held his hands up in mock surrender. Robert met Aaron’s gaze, giving him a small smile of thanks. 

“Hey, me too!” Natasha said, beaming at Robert and crawling from her spot across the room to sit at Robert’s side. “Well done, you. Not easy coming out as bi.”

“I thought you’d like to meet her,” Aaron whispered. “She’ll talk your ear off, mind. Good luck,” and with a wink, shoved him towards her before going up to get another drink.

–

An hour and about a billion questions later, Robert deduced that Aaron was right. Natasha was fun, and bubbly, and her suggestions of brunch at a few places in Manchester for the next time Aaron and him were in town showed her to have excellent taste, but also made Robert realise that he really, really needed to find his husband.

He stumbled over to Ben and Shkar, who he’d last seen with Aaron, a few minutes earlier. “Aaron about?”

“Talking with Ethan,” Shkar said, gesturing over where Aaron was in conversation with probably the youngest person at the party, if Robert had to guess, probably only a year younger than Aaron. Robert was set to walk over there, right as Shkar said, “Think Ethan’s still hung up on him,” and Robert felt his blood run cold.

“What?” Robert looked between them, trying to detect what Shkar was talking about. He could see it, the nervous way that Ethan was acting. “Pathetic,” he said, shaking his head, earning his first frown of the night from Ben.

“Oh, c’mon mate, he doesn’t mean anything by it,” Ben said cautiously, and Robert felt sick. Because yeah. He’d never meant anything by it, cosying up to women at bars who wore wedding rings. Takes one to know one, he thought bitterly, wondering why his good mood was ruined by something as stupid and ironic as jealousy. “Plus, if we’re going by that card, you’re gonna have to fight half the people in this room, including me,” Ben said.

“Half?” Robert said, almost comically loud. He looked around the room.

“Well- look, gay circles aren’t as wide as you’d think, y’know. And Aaron, well, he used to be-” Robert caught the warning glance Ben gave Shkar, “He has a past, just like anyone. Y’know? Didn’t know who he was, and then had the whole thing with Jackson, and that Ed, and then I think he just went a bit-” Shkar gestured vaguely, “and then the next thing we know he’s completely head over for you, and, well, that’s it, really,” he finished. Robert’s expression softened.

“What exactly did he tell ya?” he finally said, feeling his heart rate return to normal.

“Just the occasional stuff,” Ben said. “Knew he was seein’ someone- probably close to round the time of that break in- but, well, couldn’t get much out of him about it.”

“And we tried,” Shkar added. “A lot.”

“Thing is, Aaron’s never serious about people,” Ben added. “But he was serious about you.”

“And then just the occasional text, you guys’d fallen out, he hated ya, then he wasn’t sure, and then-” Shkar’s face fell. “Well. Gordon.”

“He said you’d saved his life,” Ben said kindly. “And that his head was messed up. We didn’t know much else until after it all came out on the news, just that it was bad.”

“And Aaron’s- he’s never been happy, has he,” Shkar said, “But look at ‘im.” and Robert did, seeing Aaron having moved on from talking to Ethan to a larger group, and he was smiling, as he met Robert’s gaze from across the room and tilted his head towards the door.

“That’s your cue,” Ben said, noticing the look between them. “All this to just say maybe, y’know, don’t kill everyone in this room.”

“I can’t make promises like that,” Robert laughed, and then grabbed a beer off the counter to take to Aaron.

–

Robert let himself out the door to the garden, where Aaron was sitting on a cheap lawn chair. Debating momentarily, Robert let his intoxication decide for him to sit himself almost entirely on top of Aaron and begin to kiss him. Aaron froze for a minute in surprise before kissing him back, letting Robert progress things further until his hand was on his belt and-

“Easy,” Aaron laughed, pushing him off. “I’m not gettin’ a public indecency rap because of you.” Robert scoffed but adjusted himself so he was sitting beside Aaron, legs over his lap and arm around his shoulder. “Just called Liv, by the way. Said she’s fine, baby’s asleep and she’s got Gabby over for a film.” Robert’s confused look turned into shame when he realised that right, they’ve got a kid, and right, for a few hours he’d somehow forgotten. “Sent me this pic,” Aaron said, with such a happy smile as he always got when they talked about the baby, the baby that Aaron had fallen so completely in love with on first sight that Robert couldn’t believe he’d once worried that Aaron could never live with it. Robert took a look and smiled.

“I’d forgotten,” he said honestly, the wine letting him be maybe more honest than he would normally be. “I’d forgotten about her,” he clarified. “For the past couple hours. Didn’t even think to check in.”

“I feel like that’s normal, though, innit, with a baby,” Aaron said. “I mean, I dunno about you but I haven’t had decent kip in about 8 months. Fact I do know about you, because you wake up with me, actually.”

“Yeah, but you remembered,” Robert said, and began to realise his words were slurring. “Y’always remember.” He rested in head closer to Aaron’s neck. “But that’s why you’re good and I’m,” Robert laughed hollowly, “I’m not, am I?”

“Robert,” Aaron said, looking concerned and Robert hated it, hated what he knew was coming. “You are good.”

“You know, they told me,” Robert started, gesturing towards Shkar and Ben. “They told me about how you’d. Had everyone here, basically,” he fumbled with his jacket, starting to remove it as he felt his face flush. “Y’know what I mean. Had um. Sexually. I mean.” Robert could see Aaron fight back a smile at that.

“I figured they had,” Aaron said, much too kind. “In my defence, I didn’t know any of ‘em would be here, but,” and Robert could see his face, see how much he was biting back an insult, something bitter, because that was another thing. Talking, not judging. Not throwing things from the past back if you really want to move forward. “I’m sorry.”

“Nah, I am,” Robert said, the light tone of his voice completely giving him away, and he knew it. “They’re all very nice,” he added. “Much nicer than me. And I know-” he looked Aaron up and down, snaking a hand down to his thigh, “I know why they’d want you.”

“Well, that’s hard for them, innit, because I only want you,” Aaron said, not meeting his eyes.

“You shouldn’t,” Robert said softly, though immediately regretted it, because it wasn’t fair, but it was going through his head all night, talking to all of them- everyone he now knew were men Aaron could have loved, if he’d given it a chance, who would’ve treated him well, who wouldn’t have betrayed him and hurt him and made him fight so hard for them. “They would’ve- any of them- would’ve been better. And Aaron-” he finally sat up, putting some distance between them, “you deserve better.” Aaron looked at him for a minute, then disentangled himself from Robert to stand up, taking a deep breath, and Robert knew he’d said something incredibly wrong.

“You just-” Aaron took a minute, took a step. “Can be a total prat sometimes, d’ya know that?”

“What? No, I didn’t mean to-”

“Right, so you either think I still can’t make me own choices, like I don’t know what I want, cause how could anyone know Robert Sugden entirely and still want to be with him, that I’m just with you outta what- pity?” Aaron ran his hand through his hair. “You don’t get to talk that way about yourself. I had ‘nice.’ I could’ve had nice over and over and time and time again. You don’t think it’s been offered? When we broke up-” and Robert winced at that, their breakup during Rebecca’s pregnancy still one of the hardest things to think or talk about, for both of them- “I had that offered. And ya know what else? I thought about ya every single fucking day. Every minute.” And Robert looked away, not able to handle Aaron tearing up, over him, always over him.

“Me too,” Robert finally said, softly. He knew it, Aaron knew it. They both knew it wasn’t a mistake, was for the best for their relationship in the long run, and had even talked about it. But Robert still felt knives in his throat every time he remembered sleeping on his own, seeing Aaron in the pub, across the scrapyard, and not being able to touch him, or tell him he loved him. The world should have ended, blowing them and everyone else to pieces when they split, and Robert sometimes couldn’t believe that it hadn’t. He had walked around, gone to work, gone to counselling, tried to be someone outside of Aaron. The fact that he’d managed enough- enough to be able to come back to Aaron, enough to be able to try again- didn’t make the thought of being without him any less horrible.

Aaron finally sit down next to him, grabbing Robert’s hand in his, running his fingers lightly over Robert’s ring. “It’s not fair to either of us,” Aaron said, voice level, “to act as though either of us could have better. We’ve worked for this.” Robert still looked down to his hands. “Do ya remember once telling me that I was scared to be happy?” Aaron continued after a beat. Robert nodded at him, still averting his gaze. “You were right. I was. And I needed to hear it. And that’s why I want you to believe me when I say it back to ya.”

“I’m not scared to be happy,” Robert said, looking at him. “I’m scared of- I’m scared of what he’d think.” The realisation that came over Aaron’s face, the dawning sense of oh fuck, that’s what this is hitting him and making Robert feel sick.

They hadn’t talked about Jack since the night she was born, when Robert’s crushing fears came to a head and Aaron had found him breaking down in the toilets at the hospital, and even then it hadn’t been a talk, just Aaron sitting on the floor with him, Aaron stroking his back, and Aaron pulling him to his feet. The thought of saying it all, of having it out and not being able to take it back, scared Robert to death.

“He’d be mad not to be proud of ya,” Aaron said, with such a level of certainty that it took all Robert had to not break down right then and there, the garden of a flat in Manchester, at 2 a.m.

“I’ve been thinking about him sometimes tonight,” Robert said after a beat. “Thinkin’ about how he’d react to this,” he gestured indoors. “Me, Jack Sugden’s bisexual son with his husband and all his gay friends, having wine.”

“Right,” Aaron said. “But when you haven’t been thinking about him, how have you felt?”

Robert thought about it, about Ben and Shkar’s easy intimacy, about how Natasha had told him she got it, how ‘you’re just confused’ had been a staple of her entire life, about how he kissed Aaron without checking the surroundings first, for anyone troublesome. “Normal,” he finally said. “Good.”

Aaron put an arm around his shoulder, and Robert was taken back to outside the scrapyard, sitting on the car, his arm over Aaron’s shoulders as he broke down over Gordon’s admission. He let himself adopt the same position. “I know it can’t be easy for ya. And I wish- I wish he was alive so I could throttle some sense in him, for makin’ ya feel like this. But I think- we accept things, yeah? That our parents weren’t how we wanted them to be, that there’s always gonna be things we can’t tell ‘em, anymore. And we just- live with it. And be happy anyway. ‘Cause if your dad couldn’t accept you actually loving someone, then it’s him who doesn’t deserve ya.”

Robert couldn’t remember the last time someone had referenced Jack Sugden in a way that wasn’t reverential, that didn’t make him want to cower at his towering figure of a father, remembering his fists and looks of disappointment, of telling him that he ruined everything, that he’d one day get what he deserved. Jack Sugden had faded so much in his memory that he was almost like a myth, accounts of him so disparate from his own experience that it seemed hard to imagine the man was real. Aaron calmly implying that maybe Jack Sugden was wrong felt like a revelation.

Aaron squeezed his hand, and it suddenly felt too pedestrian, too not enough for what Robert was feeling. He kept thinking, every day, he’d maxed out on the amount of love he could feel for someone else, only to have it beaten time and time again. He wasn’t sure how anyone could be expected to handle it.

“Oi, I know youse are havin’ a moment, but get in here, we’re doin’ a drinking game!” Natasha’s voice rang out, and soon she was over, pulling Aaron to his feet and indoors. He was halfway there when Robert, in a moment of complete impulse, pulled him free from Natasha’s grasp, pushed him up against the brick wall, and kissed him, ignoring the whistles and cheers from indoors, focusing entirely on the way Aaron’s hand found his face, neck, back.

–

Robert would later wonder how he became the person who was throwing up in a strangers’ bathroom, while his equally drunk husband (who could somehow hold his liquor better, “s’what happens when you’re only in your mid-twenties, Rob, not when you’re fuckin’ old”) rubbed his back and aggressively tried to force water into Robert’s hands, spilling it all over them, then collapsing happily on him with laughter. He’d wonder how he ended up being pulled up to dance by basically every person in the room, but refuse anyone but Aaron, kissing him and not caring about who saw. He wondered how he’d ended up inviting a bunch of people he’d known for hours to their next wedding, the legal one, because of feeling so gutted at leaving their best friends out of the loop for the first. He would wonder about how he became so happy, despite himself.

“Selfie for Liv,” Aaron said, from his spot on the floor of the living room, ignoring the others trying to sleep around him, not moderating his voice in the slightest. He edged closer to Aaron until he was nearly fully laying on him. “An’ the bab,” he added, nearly falling over as he tried to take his phone out of his pocket.

“She doesn’t know what pictures are, Aaron,” Robert said sleepily, but forced himself more upright, grabbing Aaron’s waist.

“Nah, it’s helpful, like. Colours and that,” he somehow got his phone’s camera forward facing. “Smile, ya git,” and he pulled him in. Robert smiled.


End file.
